[ authority ]

    A lady waves a flier in my face, speaking quickly in Mandarin Chinese. Several others are holding newspapers and fliers in their hands and, as we walk by, take turns waving them in our faces. The sidewalk is lined with beggars, nearly all of them handicapped. Some severely so. Each of them looks into my eyes, hopeful for a chance at money. Probably even more hopeful seeing the color of my skin, since all white people are rich to them.

   I do my best to just keep smiling at each of them, acknowledging them as humans and not as sidewalk ornaments as many people do.

   People are milling by in every direction, creating confusion to a sense of common destination. Everyone gives us a curious glance as they walk past. White people are scarce here. Vendors in their stalls are furiously bargaining for their best price. Stalls line the sidewalk, directly across from the beggars.

[ cliché "what i've learned/things i've done in 2011" post ]

   Soooo after debating about it in my head for a couple of days, I decided to do the cliché  "What I learned/things I've done in 2011" post.

   Why?

   Well. I think there's a lot learned from seeing the things you've done, both good and bad. Over the years, reflecting has taught me a lot about myself and why I do the things I do. And shoot, it's fun to see what you've actually done in the past year.

   I've also decided to split this into two different posts. So we'll start with what I learned this year.

[ jante law & kingship ]

   It made so much sense once I heard it.

   Let me introduce to you something called The Jante Law, which is an unspoken, unofficial "law" in Denmark. This is something that is so deeply ingrained in the culture, not something that's taught knowingly. It's not like a parent sits their child down and explains this "law" -- nor is this taught in school. Rather, it's something you grow up with, something that becomes your lifestyle, and becomes an inheritance that is kept throughout generations unless someone consciously changes it.


   Here are the ten rules by which the Jante Law is kept :

You shall not think that you are special.
You shall not think that you are of the same standing as us.
You shall not think that you are wiser than us.
Don't fancy yourself as being better than us.
You shall not think that you know more than us.
You shall not think that you are more (important) than us.
You shall not think that you are good at anything.
You shall not laugh at us.
You shall not think that anyone cares about you.
You shall not think that you can teach us anything.

   Shortly after being here in Denmark at the school, someone mentioned this to me, asking if I knew about it. Curious, I finally looked it up online. [You can check out the website here if you wish to see.]

   The origin of this came from the novel "A Refugee Crosses His Tracks, written by Aksel Sandemose. These rules acted as the social structure in the town in which this novel takes place.

[ a beautifully eccentric relationship ]

   Stepping out into the biting Danish fall air, I reminded myself for what felt like the hundredth time that it would be worth it. I have a love-hate relationship with running. It’s wonderful and amazing when your stamina is topnotch – but otherwise, it’s just awful. And I knew how bad my stamina was at the moment. However, the end result is worth it. That feeling of utter satisfaction can’t be replaced with any amount of black licorice or baked Danish goods.

   [.. that isn’t entirely the truth.]

   As I started off, my determination for a good run grew. After getting further down the road, I decided to include God in the run. [Incredibly kind, I know. And it’s not like He wouldn’t be there if I hadn’t invited Him anyway.] One of my biggest weaknesses is that I have a difficult time really making sure to set time apart for God every day. So I figured this would be a great time to set my attention on Him, undivided.

   Before leaving, I had this little plan of doing a short little run to get back in time to say goodbye to one of the girls that was leaving. You know, run up around Fakta and come back down, no big deal. Short run, but at least I’m doing something. These were my thoughts.

   So here I am, running down the sidewalk with this plan in my head, talking with God, telling Him, hey, here I am, I’m setting this time for You only, if You want to speak to me, awesome, if not, awesome, blah blah blah.

   I take a right down the street that I figured would meet up again with Fakta, and asked Him some specific questions about something that was spoken over me before leaving. Someone told me that I’m a warrior princess, and since I have no idea what that looks like in my life, how that works with my role – I’ve been questioning Him about it.

   As I’m running, I hear Him tell me, “You have a greater amount endurance and stamina than those around you, and you have the ability to run faster than them.”

[ musings ]

   Empty words and thoughts flit across my mind. Not holding much meaning, not connecting any dots.

   Pointless.

   And thus sums up my past week. It’s been one of those where the pleasures and joys of life have less flavor; the rays of happiness are dulled when they make their way through.

   Oh lordy I sound depressing.
 
   But this happens. Randomly. For what seems no reason. I get sucked into this hole and am not entirely myself for a week or two. I’ve discovered dancing helps quite a bit, as it does with most things anyway.

   Point is, I feel like a horrible person. My heart isn’t in the right frame of mind, so to speak – and, for that matter, neither is my mind.

   And this is where the obvious, cliché reply would be to say “spend more time with God.”

   I know.

   And the worst part is, I think that plays a huge part in the reason this happens. Because it doesn’t happen very often. But when it does, it’s a large recipe made of irritation, shortness, the inability or lack of wanting to be around or put up with people, and the overall downer attitude.

   I sound like an amazing person, I know. Best part is, you don’t know the thoughts that go through my mind sometimes.

   My humanity screams at me when I think of them.

   But the fact is, I know I’m being really hard on myself. And I know I’m not an awful person, and am certainly not the person I’m painting myself to be right now. What I do know is that I need to focus my time and energy on the only One who can pull me out of this and restore me to being fully me again. And I know dancing will play a large part that process.

   I think I just feel blessed right now to know that God isn’t judging me. I think He’s literally stretching His hand out to me and beckoning so we can continue my life journey forward together. I may be taking a brief break right now, but we’re going forward nonetheless.

[ thoughts in the wee morn ]

   "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." -- Brian Littrell

   Dreams.

   They're such fragile creations. Creations of imagination, of the intangible desires in your heart.

   I believe that God not only instills these dreams in us, but He also helps us achieve them. I believe that we should run after them with all our determination, with the faith that if it's meant to be, it'll happen.

   I believe that without dreams, our lives are mundane. We have nothing to strive for, to push for, to work towards otherwise. What's the point then?

   I've always loved the quote above. It has a bit of a fairytale ring to it, I think. But lately, it's taken on a new meaning. If you dream ridiculous, impossible dreams, and run after them with all your heart, and don't quite achieve them -- you'll still achieve more than you would if your dreams were smaller, more logically attainable. It puts it in a different perspective, doesn't it?

   People are ridiculed for having strange, outlandish dreams. What's worse is that people take those ridicules to heart and let it tear their dreams down.

   So what's worse then: having a crazy dream, throwing caution to the wind and running after it -- or sitting on your butt, considering "normal" things to do with your life while it passes you by?

   Well. I already know the answer to that. And lordy, I sure hope you do too.

   I want to be one of those awesome old people that can look back on their life and not be able to remember anything passing me by or having regrets. [And I'm not talking about bad memory. Come on now.] I want to be proud of the things I tried. The people I met. The things I've seen.

   "Life is not a dress rehearsal." -- Rose Tremain

   So get on with it.

[ inspiration ]

    There have been meetings of only a moment, which have left impressions for life, for eternity. No one can understand that mysterious thing we call influence, yet every one of us continually exerts influence, either to heal, to bless, to leave marks of beauty; or to wound, to hurt, to poison, to stain other lives.

– J. R. Miller



Welcome to a new desire in my life : to be one of these people.

[ community ]

   We parked our bikes across the street and turned around, ready to eat. Nico stepped from the doorway with his wrinkling ear-to-ear smile and greeted us with the welcoming hug and kiss. Stepping into the restaurant, I felt the usual rush of nostalgia. “Restaurant Da Nico” is a place I’ve been several times, most often in stories and imagination, but also in person. It’s the best pizza place on this planet, hands down. My mom worked with him at a different restaurant before he opened his own. She would tell me stories of how she started working there, and what an experience it was for her to be around such a different culture – especially when it came to conflict.

   Nico is a bona fide Italian, as are the other workers. I love hearing the romantic language [yes, Italian is truly a romantic language] being thrown around, mixed with the Danish and occasional German words in the air. I guess you could say he’s one of those that have a special place in my heart, someone I would call an uncle.

   The thing that I have always loved most about the place is the immediate feeling of a loving community when I step into the place. Sure, I have a bit of a bias because I know and love Nico and vice versa, but it goes beyond that. It’s incredible to me how mere atmosphere can make an individual automatically feel a part of something. A community.

[ bona fide God ]

   Jesus didn't care if He offended people.

   Welcome to a fact that has rocked my world for the past month or so. I'm not completely sure where I heard this, although I have a feeling it was probably Kris Vallotton. [But don't take that reference for real.]

   Example: Matthew 13.1-17, and 36-43.

   In the first part, Jesus is telling the parable of the sower, of the seed falling on good ground, etc. He ends with saying, "He who has ears, let him hear."

   That's a puzzling phrase. And He clearly isn't talking about physical ears. But He also doesn't bother to explain this -- nor the parable He had just told. Not until the disciples come up to Him and ask Him what He meant.

   And right after that, Jesus goes on again to tell another parable, this time about the weeds taking over the wheat. Again, He doesn't bother to explain until His disciples ask Him to.

   Curious, isn't it? Usually when you're saying something that isn't literal, that has a deeper, hidden meaning, you'll explain it so your audience gets it. So your teaching doesn't go completely to waste. But obviously Jesus wasn't concerned about this. To me, His attitude says "either you get it, or you don't, but there it is."

   I love it. That's my kind of attitude. haha. [Those of you who know me well can just nod in agreement.]

   Another example: Matthew 23.1-36.

   Jesus rips a good one on the scribes and Pharisees. Specifically in 33: "You serpents, you brood of vipers, how are you to escape being sentenced to hell?"

   I mean, really. Jesus just isn't concerned about offending people. Which is so refreshing to discover.

[ americans are chickens ]

   Americans are chickens. Scardy cats. Whatever you want to call it.

   We're so afraid of what someone else is going to think of our actions, or what we say.

   I think we need to be less concerned about what other people think, and be more concerned of what God thinks.

   Tonight, my dear girlfriend [shoutout to Taralah] and I hosted a night at our church. God had been putting some things on our hearts lately -- specifically about worship and dance, and really felt it was important to share with others.

   Throughout the years, God has really shown the two of us different perspectives on what dance really is.

   I went into my DTS wondering whether dance was going to continue to have a place in my life, if I should continue it at all. After multiple times of God repeatedly telling me that I did in fact need to keep dancing, I finally realized that dance was such a big part of who I am.

   But even more than that, that it was a very powerful form of worship and intercession for me. Something that was spoken over me during DTS as well was that I crush demons beneath my feet when I dance. If that isn't spiritual warfare, then I don't know what is.

   And after not having danced for too long, I began to feel off, not myself, and incredibly cranky. By the end of a bad week, I finally realized I needed to do something about it and go dance. So I gathered up my things and headed to the Ohana court and practiced for the next 3 hours. Needless to say, I felt amazing afterwards. Completely myself again. I had been denying such a big part of who I was when I hadn't been dancing. It's so crucial for me, I began to see.

   So all this to say that dance took on a totally different value for me. I know that it's something God has gifted me with to bless others with and do some serious battling and worshipping.

   Tonight was a huge step forward for me in this. Taralah and I did a couple of dances together, none of it was choreographed. Which I don't do. I mean, trust me, I do not do that. I have specific dances and steps that I know by heart, and I do those. I don't do improv. But that's exactly what I challenged myself to do tonight.

   And shoot, the first dance was crap. I was nervous and freaking out up until I started dancing. I was offtime with the music and I messed up and tripped on the wood.

   But that's not the point.

   The point is that I decided to take a step of faith, put myself out there with the risk of looking like a fool for God not knowing what the heck I'm doing, and dance whatever comes to mind.

   And that was one of the most freeing things I've ever done. Because I stood there and chose not to care what everyone else in the room would think. Why? Because their opinion shouldn't matter to me. God's should.

[ how to: live a long life ]

   Ephesians 6:1-3 has been on my heart for a few days. So here it goes.

   ¹ Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ² “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— ³ “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. [NIV]

    Wait, what?

   Yeah, Paul not only just quoted one of the Ten Commandments, saying that it's right to honor your parents -- but by doing so, God will bless you with a longer life. Well shoot kids, I'd say that in itself is a good motivation to honor your parents.

   But what is honoring your parents? I think we tend to automatically refer to "obey", and leave out the honoring part. What I'm getting at is that just because you obey doesn't necessarily mean you're honoring them.

   "Attitude is the clothing of the heart", one of our speakers wisely stated.

   So in that, your attitude towards your parents when you obey them will determine whether or not you're honoring them. What's your attitude telling them?

   Honoring your parents doesn't just apply when they're around either. You know, one of the biggest things I noticed when I began high school [after being home schooled for 5 years] was that very few kids honored their parents. They trashed them verbally; few had good things to say about them.

[ 2 + 2 = chicken ]

   A lot of this will tag along with my last blog post -- which I highly recommend reading before this, actually.

   Watch this to begin:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODUvw2McL8g

   First of all, I really enjoyed Rob Bell's "Everything is Spiritual" spiel. Loved it, actually. I love that kind of science, digging into the deepness and intricate matter of God's creation.
   But with this, he's just gone completely off into something that doesn't line up with the Bible at all. And I really fail to see how any of this can be Biblical.
   It just doesn't add up. 2 + 2 = chicken? I don't think so.

   See, a lot of people have this idea that God's love is unconditional. As it seems, Bell believes as well, with "Love Wins."

   The Bible doesn't say that anywhere.
   So where does that notion come from? Where did that originate?
   In fact, how does that line up with people who don't choose God going to Hell?

   The term "unconditional love", I feel, comes from our own inability to handle a God that does send people to Hell. I think it's easier for me to understand because I understand the whole gift of free will, hence humans being able to choose their own path and end result of their life. [Enternal life vs. enternal death.]

   It's just really scary for me to think that people believe what Bell is talking about here.

   You know, I think what I've realized is that we don't understand what God's love is at all. I think our human minds understand what human love is. But God's love is completely different. And so much more profound. I think we need to redefine what God's love is. Or what it isn't.

[ for the Truth shall set you free ]

   I just really felt like expanding more on my Facebook status I put tonight. It was largely motivated by the Bible study today that I've begun being a part of every Wednesday.

   For those of you without the annoyance of Facebook, here's what I said :

   "Christianity is becoming watered down and "nice" to be "politically correct" so we'll have larger congregations and won't offend people. that's messed up. and you're left with things far from the truth."

   The responses I've recieved thus far definitely agree. One friend [shoutout to T.J.] commented, saying "*Like*, that you were willing to say it, not that you had to." I couldn't have summed it up any better than that.

   It's a shocking reality that we as Christians need to be aware of though. And quite frankly, there are Christians out there as well that are preaching these new ideas and spin-offs of verses and theology that don't line up with what the Bible is truly saying.

   Churches have started accomodating homosexuality. No big deal or anything.

   But see, it didn't start with that. It's little by little, you let things slide. It's not like this just "crept" in. You begin to make way for things here and there, and pretty soon your standards have so far deteriorated, that it doesn't seem like a big step anymore.

   We've grown soft, as I've heard several people say lately. And we have.

   It seems the number of people we have in our congregations is more important -- rather than being concerned about the quality, or the overall actual truth to it; whether the lifestyles of the people follow the Word. And I mean Jesus.

[ day by day.. ]

   God's constant provision for me has been so blatant lately.

   I mentioned to mom the other day that I really felt like He has been blessing me a lot this summer. And I really do think He is. Between the odd jobs here and there, like the few photography jobs I've been priviledged to, and being able to do the Mississippi Street Fair -- I just have the sense that God "has my back", more or less. He's been blessing me with really great opportunities.

   And even with my future plans [of going to Denmark] have fallen into place so well; I've seen God's fingerprint there clearly as well. Just having bought my  ticket to depart later in August, things are becoming more real.

   Well there it is. My next step. The butterfly has emerged from the cocoon and is now branching out. We'll see where it goes after that.

[ "darkness is a harsh term, don't you think? and yet it dominates the things i see." ]

   It's 2am as I begin this.

   I just couldn't fall asleep. And after having some good one-on-one time with God, I decided to punch out some thoughts on the keyboard for a bit. Until sleep decides to come. These thoughts are accompanied by Bon Iver in the background. Perfection. [We'll see how my body feels about that tomorrow morning though.]

   I'm really learning how to apply listening to God's voice and striving hard to give up my right to making decisions on my own. Even with the smallest things. And it struck me earlier today how childish it is, almost, that I want to hold onto that for myself. Like a little kid refusing to give up a toy.

   My new sensitivity to things [sprititually] has taken me by surprise as well. I assumed that I would be more sensitive, having been completely immersed in God for 5 months. But He really stripped away a lot of walls and hardness within that time. We build up walls, you know. We let ourselves become desensitized by all the crap around us -- especially media.

   I love So You Think You Can Dance. By far my favorite t.v. show. There was one routine a week or so ago, however, that really bothered me. And it wasn't even the routine, it was the song behind it. Judas, by Lady Gaga.

   I can't stand Lady Gaga as it is. Never have liked her. She's always bothered me. Her lyrics are trashy, and her performance isn't much better. Which is unfortunate, because when you take that all away [listen to some of her older live performances], she actually has a great voice and talent. And it's also unfortunate that she is such a huge icon, one that so many people, especially girls, follow and look up to.

[ life a.d. ]

   So I love reading. SO much. And since being home, my biggest comfort has been having the time to reeeeaad. I'm now realizing how much I'd missed it.

   Ted Dekker is by far one of the most brilliant writers [in my opinion] and is definitely my favorite. I'm currently in the world of "The Circle" series -- which is phenomenal. The way he's able to spin these mind blowing, outofthisworld stories is just beyond me. Sometimes I'm convinced he's mental, just because of the things he comes up with. But in a good way, of course. haha.

   Right. So. Basically it took me a little while to figure out that the story is a parallel of the Bible. Creation, the fall, Jesus dying, etc.

   There's one part in there that really got me thinking. After the character representing Jesus dies, and His followers in the desert have been running away from enemies for so long, some begin to have issues with their lifestyle, basically questioning whether living that way was what Jesus really wanted for them, and started bringing up other ideas.

   It reminded me of how the churches reacted, and why Paul wrote letters to them, giving them clear/firm correction and instruction. They began to split and come up with different ideas, essentially going their own ways. Or twist things Jesus said or did.

[ post script.. ]

   I just thought of something else. hahaha.

   Mom and I were talking about dance a few days ago. I'd been going back and forth between trying to figure out if I should do the summer dance workshop or not. I was debating whether or not it would be worth it, given my future plans. [No, I'm not telling you.]

   Long story short. We ended up talking about how that would be a good goal for me as far as getting back in shape and working towards something.

   Which I'd been thinking a lot about as well.

   See, in order for me to have motivation and have that drive to work  -- I need a goal. I have to have an end result, something tangible to get in the end. A payoff.

   And then I realized that's the reason why I'm so obsessed with 2 Timothy 4.7-8 -- "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing."

  I mean, if that isn't encouragement and good motivation, then I don't know anything.

  Basically, that was my revelation. And a good one at that, if you ask me.. [:

[ thoughts. ]

   Here are some thoughts and conclusions I've been having lately.

   First, people are growing up. Some of the girls in my youth group that I've grown up in and was helping lead just graduated from high school. Since when were they that old? Those little freshies are no longer freshies -- no, they're freshly graduated and headed out to begin the next part of their journey. That used to be me. That's even harder for me to grasp.

   My photo-editing skills have gotten so much better. Or rather, they've expanded. And it's due to me stalking people on Flickr and seeing their style and then trying things out on my own. I'm really starting to get into a different style. Something, unfortunately, I haven't really actually done much about as of yet. haha. No thanks to the weather.. [Isn't summer supposed to be sunny.. ?]

   This is yet another season of transition for me. Oh joy. It's different and yet similar to the one I went through before leaving for DTS. Both then and now, I felt/feel a sense of not belonging. Which I think I can expect to feel for the rest of my life. When you believe what I believe and lead the life I lead, that's what tends to happen. But trust me, I'm much happier being the outsider. Or that's what you think I am..

[ sleepingatlast ]

Maybe the soul is the tone of voice
That unearthed the words that we needed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlYCg9veXJ4

[ processing -- 1% ]

   I think I'm realizing just how long it's going to take me to process what has happened in the last five months. I can't share everything at once -- because, honestly, I don't even remember everything right now. So stories will randomly come out when remembered.

   But I like random, so maybe that's just my style.. Who knows.

   So just bear with me.

[ grace tickets ]

   Five months.

   Who would have known how fast they went by. Or how much they would have changed me. Who would have known what precious knowledge I would gain, or even more precious -- the stronger relationship with God.

   None but Him alone knew.

   I can't say it was easy. Oh, it was tough. But nor can I say that I regret it. Because I don't. I know that through each and every trial -- while I may not have handled it appropriately -- I grew a little more. And because of that, I learned a little more about laying down my rights. And even more about grace.