[ "darkness is a harsh term, don't you think? and yet it dominates the things i see." ]

   It's 2am as I begin this.

   I just couldn't fall asleep. And after having some good one-on-one time with God, I decided to punch out some thoughts on the keyboard for a bit. Until sleep decides to come. These thoughts are accompanied by Bon Iver in the background. Perfection. [We'll see how my body feels about that tomorrow morning though.]

   I'm really learning how to apply listening to God's voice and striving hard to give up my right to making decisions on my own. Even with the smallest things. And it struck me earlier today how childish it is, almost, that I want to hold onto that for myself. Like a little kid refusing to give up a toy.

   My new sensitivity to things [sprititually] has taken me by surprise as well. I assumed that I would be more sensitive, having been completely immersed in God for 5 months. But He really stripped away a lot of walls and hardness within that time. We build up walls, you know. We let ourselves become desensitized by all the crap around us -- especially media.

   I love So You Think You Can Dance. By far my favorite t.v. show. There was one routine a week or so ago, however, that really bothered me. And it wasn't even the routine, it was the song behind it. Judas, by Lady Gaga.

   I can't stand Lady Gaga as it is. Never have liked her. She's always bothered me. Her lyrics are trashy, and her performance isn't much better. Which is unfortunate, because when you take that all away [listen to some of her older live performances], she actually has a great voice and talent. And it's also unfortunate that she is such a huge icon, one that so many people, especially girls, follow and look up to.

   [Why is it that the ones people look up to aren't the ones to look at.. ? Right, because God should be our only icon.]

   I felt sickened when I heard the lyrics of the song. Namely the one line: "Jesus is my virtue, and Judas is the demon I cling to.." Gaga portrays herself as Mary Magdelene.

   Being curious to see how dreadful the music video was, I watched it. I can't explain how grieved my spirit was. The opening scene is of Gaga on the back of a motorcycle, hugging onto a man with a gaudy crown of golden thorns. The camera then switches to a view of a man on the back of another bike with a leather jacket, the name "Judas" on the back. As the camera gets a full shot of all the bikers, Hell's Angels style -- I stop the video and quickly count all the bikes.

   Sure enough, as I had expected, there were 12 bikers, plus the one with "Jesus" and Gaga.

   And it just got worse from there.

   It saddened me, it really did. I don't know how else to really word it. It was actually just overwhelming. I just sat there and cried. It was the epitome of how hellish this world is becoming. Or is.

   I went down to the Saturday market with a friend of mine. It was great to hang out and be down there with all the crazies and the hipsters. But as we were sitting by the waterfront, eating our elephant ears, we watched a man basically soapbox preaching. I had so much respect for him, honestly. It takes so much courage and guts to be able to stand up and do that. Especially in Portland.

   You know, the thing that gets me about Portland is how hypocritical everyone is. They pride themselves to how "open" they are, and they accept "everything." When, in reality, they're accepting everything BUT Christianity. They're accepting all the wrong things.

   I faced so much of that crap in high school. Perfect example. Going to high school everyday was hell for me. Literally. I eventually got so fed up with everyone's "open" ideas. They were shoving their beliefs and opinions about homosexuality and all kinds of other things down my throat.

   Ironic, isn't it? When people always complain about Bible-thumpers? How is that any different?

   It's not.

   Needless to say, graduating early from that place was the best thing I've ever done with my life.

   Back to my Saturday market story. So this guy is there with his little portable mic, preaching his heart out. Shoot, that's definitely not my style. I'm more of the friendship type of person. I sang in front of a large crowd of random people in Hong Kong -- that's as far as I'll go. haha.

   But good for him. If that's where God is calling him -- he's taking that bull by the horns. You have to at least admit that. Come on. There were several people, hippy slash homeless people, in front of him, screaming profanities at him. Overall being incredibly disrespectful and rude. That's when the whole tirade about hypocrites started going in my mind. I can, hands down, guarantee you, that if he had been talking about ANYTHING else, people would have left him alone. But there he was, talking about the love of God, which is life itself, and they're standing there, screaming at him, one of them playing an accordian, trying to drown him out. And he didn't give up. He just kept repeating and emphasizing God's love towards them.

   I wanted to go up there and encourage him. In fact, thinking about it now, I really should have.

   It just occured to me then, sitting there, how dark Portland really is. Portland prides itself on being sooo liberal. We have more strip clubs than Las Vegas and San Fran do. Portland ranks as the second highest city in the nation for child prostitution.

  Portland is beautiful place when you look at it, physically. But when you dig deeper, it gets ugly pretty quickly. And spiritually, it's a dark place. There's a realization to come home to.

   I think I'll leave this one at that. Trust me, there's far more where that came from.