wednesday evening thoughts.

clouds pass by, thick with potential promise of typical portland rain. the breeze kicks up just slightly, though not enough to chill. our hummingbird friend stops by for a brief peer before deftly moving on within a brief moment, and all the while traffic hums faintly in the distance. cup of hot chocolate in hand, sitting on the front porch watching life go by. life has a certain feel of deep and utter calm; all that was stirred up throughout the day comes to a halt, with a sense of a breath taken and resolution of starting afresh.

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i was reminded, yet again, in conversation today that people and relationship are a liquid and sometimes seasonal entity. perhaps a part II of the intentional post and train of thought. and so these thoughts are thus spilled forth.

although it's been argued in past discussions that relationships are not meant to be broken - i continue to hold firm that this is not always the case. people are broken, and thus relationship cannot exist in the form it was originally created to be in this lifetime.

boundaries strain, intentions misunderstood. people grow into themselves (or out), and thus change dynamic of what once was. loyalties are lost. someone moves on.

a snapshot

another year past and passed.

it has not, by any means or definition, been an easy year. 

in fact, i think it's been the most challenging yet. it's been lonely, uncomfortable, heartbreaking, stretching, painful, stressful, sorrowful, angering, and the range of emotions+experiences goes on.

but.

it's also been joyful at moments. victorious at others. hilarious. incredibly growing, stretching in good ways. it's also been a steep learning curve in many areas. hard decisions were made. sacrifices. relationships broken, others mended. 

featured in the photo above are little bits and pieces from my life throughout 2015. particularly the joys, both big and small.

intentional or abusive?

relationships are hard.

a life is created between two people when a relation is formed. life that requires attention and care for it to thrive and thus, grow. but equally, life that is a tender fragility, one that holds easy potential to be overridden and otherwise destroyed. chasms appear out of seemingly thin air, bridges craftily built or burned.

we were created as beings that crave and actually need contact.

“it is not good for man to be alone.”

a story of an unforgettable moment.

cue obnoxious phone alarm tone.

my body jolted awake. i'm not one of those people that wakes up calmly in the wee hours of the morning. i get scared awake. it's an awful way to start the day, so after turning it off, i laid there a few minutes allowing the adrenaline to seep away and listened.

nothing. there was nothing.

i looked up through the somewhat foggy window at the stars peeking through the branches. so many of them.

we slowly woke up and more or less, in a sort of robotic motion, rearranged the car into a drive-able state. which consisted of shoving everything in the back with a couldn't-care-less-because-it's-4-o'clock-in-the-morning attitude. we could fix it later. necessities first.

with dawn quickly approaching, we gathered everything up and as quietly as possible made our way out of the campground. we followed the winding road up the mountain again, backtracking the way we came the night before. or rather, just a few hours before.

the parking lot was nearly completely empty, and thus a spot of honor required no competition.

i grabbed my camera and tripod and we headed up the trail, the dim morning light lending us a bit of a guide.

[ nostalgic lessons ]

   then.

   the floating melodies of jazz musicians in the street drifted past us. i paused occasionally to admire the multi-layered buildings, decorated with balconies and ornate black railings that wrapped nearly the entire length of the building. colorful shutters hung on either side of many windows.

   the aromas of spices and baked goods filled the air and lingered. 

   and colors. everywhere. all at once. it was as if festivities had permanently left their mark behind, a perpetual party of sorts with the celebration of eye-catching colors here and there. i noticed the fleur de lis emblem highlighting in various places. 

   there was a warmth. aside from the obvious physical temperature - the culture in itself was welcoming. the people friendly, the food comfortable.