[ a beautifully eccentric relationship ]

   Stepping out into the biting Danish fall air, I reminded myself for what felt like the hundredth time that it would be worth it. I have a love-hate relationship with running. It’s wonderful and amazing when your stamina is topnotch – but otherwise, it’s just awful. And I knew how bad my stamina was at the moment. However, the end result is worth it. That feeling of utter satisfaction can’t be replaced with any amount of black licorice or baked Danish goods.

   [.. that isn’t entirely the truth.]

   As I started off, my determination for a good run grew. After getting further down the road, I decided to include God in the run. [Incredibly kind, I know. And it’s not like He wouldn’t be there if I hadn’t invited Him anyway.] One of my biggest weaknesses is that I have a difficult time really making sure to set time apart for God every day. So I figured this would be a great time to set my attention on Him, undivided.

   Before leaving, I had this little plan of doing a short little run to get back in time to say goodbye to one of the girls that was leaving. You know, run up around Fakta and come back down, no big deal. Short run, but at least I’m doing something. These were my thoughts.

   So here I am, running down the sidewalk with this plan in my head, talking with God, telling Him, hey, here I am, I’m setting this time for You only, if You want to speak to me, awesome, if not, awesome, blah blah blah.

   I take a right down the street that I figured would meet up again with Fakta, and asked Him some specific questions about something that was spoken over me before leaving. Someone told me that I’m a warrior princess, and since I have no idea what that looks like in my life, how that works with my role – I’ve been questioning Him about it.

   As I’m running, I hear Him tell me, “You have a greater amount endurance and stamina than those around you, and you have the ability to run faster than them.”


   I knew two things instantly.

   One, this definitely wasn’t a physical implication.

   Two, it was referring to me as a leader.

   Chewing on that, I kept running, realizing that Fakta was nowhere to be seen, and I had just kept going in hopes of eventually meeting up with it. Well heck, I thought, might as well keep going and make the most of this. [I was very interested in the conversation I was having with God.]

   Eventually I realized I was completely lost. I knew I could turn around and I would most likely remember the way home, but I hated the thought of doing that. I preferred to continue on, discover more territory, and figure this out.

   And then I reached a busy road, and immediately was slapped in the face with another fact that I was more lost than I had originally realized. A sign was pointing to the center of the city, and I headed in that direction. It felt wrong, so I decided to take a left and head back the way I came down a different road.

   All the while this is happening, I’m fighting internally with control. Secretly, sometimes I pride myself on being able to give God control most of the time – when in reality, I don’t think that’s entirely the truth.

   Wakeup call to meeeeeee.

   God was prompting me to just trust Him with finding the way home, instead of relying on my own intuition. Someone here at the school had recently given me a word – and part of it was referring to control –that I needed to completely surrender control to Him.

   Oh boy. Do I.

   And the fact that I shouldn’t physically be able to run this far kept jogging around my mind as well.

   Pun.

   Ah, I thought, there’s a landmark I recognize. Not that I was stressing about being lost – but it was a small comfort of sorts to have an idea of where I was at least. And still, I ran on. Absolutely ridiculous, it was absolutely ridiculous. I began laughing. And I knew He was laughing with me too. His sense of humor never fails to amuse me.

   Reaching the long driveway to the school, my heart was beyond thankful. I mean, after that, I was mostly feeling awe. The whole experience was amazing, really.

    Best part that topped it off: I got there JUST in time to wish my friend goodbye as the car was leaving.

   .. like I said, His humor is something else.

   The rest of the day, this entire scenario kept replaying. The coolest part for me was that God so blatantly used the metaphor of my running with what He spoke to me. There’s no way I would normally have felt so awesome after running that far. This is such a great example of His continual faithfulness in my life. When I least expect it, and when I need it the most. [Even if I don't think so.]

   But even beyond that, it spoke so directly to what I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. It’s occurred to me that I have to become more aware of the things I say and do because people are watching me, looking to me. Not to say I haven’t always been aware of that – but now I’m starting to realize just how much people do that. And quite frankly, it’s rather daunting in a lot ways. It’s a big responsibility.

   I finally stumbled across Donald Miller’s blog a few weeks ago, and came across a post about leadership. It was incredibly relatable. You can read it here.

   I'd been so frustrated lately with things not going the way I'd wanted them to in terms of freedom during worship or different things in the school. And at some point, I realized I'd been waiting for other people to take charge, to make the difference -- instead of taking the reins and heading it up myself.

   In Donald's post, he remarks that "...sometimes leading just means being out front, going to the places very few people are willing to go. But the cool thing about leaders is they show the rest of us that the path is scary but ultimately safe."
 

   Ughhhhh. An attitude adjustment was needed, I knew it.

   [Those are my least favorite realizations.]

   While sitting in class one day, thinking this over, God gave me a couple of pictures. The first was one of a flock of geese, and it reminded me that they fly in the V formation with the purpose of the one in front taking the brunt of the wind resistance. The second picture was one of a bicycle race, and how the one riding in front again takes the wind resistance head-on, making it easier for those behind him.

   So there I was, knowing that I needed to stop waiting for someone else to step out in front and take the lead. The responsibility of taking up new ground would need to be mine if I was so frustrated with how things were. To show others that it's not dangerous ground, to pave the way.

  
   Here's a prime example.

   During a session with my mentor, we discussed my goals for this year -- primarily things I wanted to grow in. Of course dancing came up, and I knew I was going to be challenged with this. [An incredibly good thing to have, because we all need a kick at times to move us forward with "scary" things in our lives.]
   Ever since being here at the school, every time we have had worship in the mornings, I've stood there with this interal battle going on within me whilst worshipping.

   There was one particular morning while I was standing there. By the last song, this battle was going on so strongly within me, I knew I had to do something or I'd regret it so badly later that day. Mostly because I'd have to live with knowing that I should have done something.

   So I'm standing there, singing. My mentor is up on the stage leading worship. She suddenly looks at me, drills me with her eyes [with that knowing look], and says my name.

   "Kayla."

   My heart jumps. And stops beating entirely for a few seconds.

   I knew I had to do something. It was the last song. ["It's now or neveeeer."]

    My roommate said she saw me turn around and size up the room. I was trying to figure out how to approach this situation. Eventually, I just thought screw this, and I walked up to the front of the room.

   And I danced.

   I did it more for myself than anything. I knew that the first time would be the hardest; just getting that first step out there would begin the process of breaking down the wall of fear that had been holding me back.

   Afterwards, several people came up to me and commented on my dancing, saying how beautiful it was -- and more importantly, how big of a breakthrough it brought in the spiritual atmosphere in the room.

   Now, that is the least I could have asked for. By me stepping out and following His leading, His calling on my life in that moment, it brought a freedom and breakthrough in the room. How awesome is that.

   That's leading worship as a dancer in a nutshell.

   My latest challenge? To completely step out of my comfort zone and structure of Irish dance. And to dance without music entirely, with the purpose of being in tune with the rhythm of Heaven.

   Beautiful.

   And scary.

   Scary, because it's something that God has been putting on my heart for months now. And I've been attempting it in the secret and quiet of my studio back home. But here, in front of people?

   Eeeek.

   So, thus begins the process. The process of me overcoming this ridiculous thing we carry around with us called the fear of man.

   How we let it suppress our lives.

   But I'm determined to let this go. To not let it control my life and actions. Because, quite frankly, I don't want to give a flip what other people think of me when it comes to dancing. I want to throw myself out there, regardless if I look like a fool, and dance.

   What I do will be beautiful to Him. Maybe not by human standards. But since when did that matter more than God's opinion?

   Oh, yeah. Since a while ago, for some reason.

   So. Wrapping up this long chapter in my current life. This is what I am working with as of this moment in time. Something that I know will be very important in my life -- both now and in my future.

   That being said, I know prayer coverage for this area would be immensely helpful.

   You all rock. Thanks for the love and support.