[ hit in the heart ]

   heart pounding, i step onto the stage. papers in one hand, juggling a mic in the other.

   i hear my pastor saying things about me in the distance somewhere. my focus was on being calm. my thoughts were telling me "it's good. you were meant for this. you've got nothing to worry about. this is all stuff you know. you're gonna rock it. this is your family you're speaking to."

   it's sunday morning. i'm co-teaching with my pastor. 

   this is the second time he has proposed we do team-teaching together, and this time, i was feeling far more confident and secure. nervous, but knowing it was right nonetheless.

   as he leaves the stage to me, the attention switches to me completely. 

   "hi. i'm kayla."

   laughter from the congregation.

   "those of you who don't know me, i've grown up in this church. and if you don't know me, well that sucks for you and you're missing out."

   more laughter.

   score, my brain is thinking, got some laughter. 

   i launch into my teaching, talking about running the race [based on hebrews 12.1-3]. 

   i love this teaching. 

   because i go into how important it is to know who you are when running the race -- it changes our entire outlook and perspective. going from a comfortable, survival walk, to a power-filled, authority-based awesome Ironman. or something of that kind.

   and most importantly, i get to speak from my own experiences of these past couple of years and how i've changed. how my race has changed. how i've grown and become more confident in who i am: who God created me to be.

   further into my teaching, i'm reminded of about two years ago. i had come back from DTS and was in town for the summer before going off to denmark. 

   this was first time i had co-taught with my pastor. 

   it was a time in my life where i had begun to discover there was far more to life and living victoriously than i had imagined. 

   i was timidly trying to figure out who i was. 

   it was a time where God started to dig deeper into me, and i was hungry for more. 

   that first teaching, i was shaking. and i barely said anything. it was a teaching about the Holy Spirit, and how He works in us. sharper than a double-edge sword. it was a great step into something. 

   back to the present.

   so i was standing there teaching, it was crazy to look back on that and think "that's how it started". and there i was, having stepped into the role of being a teacher, of really recognizing the gift God has given me to communicate His words to those around me. ministering.

   wow.

   i'm close to the end of my teaching, and i begin talking more about my testimony of my last couple of years being in denmark.

   my mind then goes to this past christmas. i had come home for a short vacation over our break. 

   just before going back to denmark, i had stood in front of the congregation and explained what i was doing there, etc. 

   and i didn't want to go back. i hated the thought of leaving home. of leaving my little comfortable place.

   i remember distinctly saying to a couple of close people, "this better be worth it, because right now, it's not worth it at all." 

   i was battling identity. of having to make the choice to step out into who He created me to be, and stick with it. choosing to be obedient regardless of feelings.

   back to the present.

   i hear myself saying "now i can look back over this past year and see it. was. worth. it."

   what?

   it. was. worth. it.

   it was SO worth it.

   eventually my teaching came to a close. ended with a prayer.

   walked down from the stage. sat down in my seat. grinning ear to ear.

   i was hit right in the heart in the next second. 

   i was totally taken aback with what He has done in me these past couple of years. especially to see it that visibly when thinking back. He has stuck with me, not given up on me when i so desperately wanted to. and had people by my side, reminding me to keep going. that it was worth it. He always follows through and always fulfills His promises and work. and i'll bet even far beyond than what i saw in that moment.

   He has refined me to be a useful tool. an obedient tool. a passionate tool.

   i have such a sharper and clearer understanding of who i am. a stronger confidence in knowing whose i am, and what authority i have. still discovering it? absolutely. have i come a long ways? definitely.

   and i could stand up on that stage and speak about it with joy. 

   with joy.

   joy really does come in the morning, everyone. it really does.

   completely astonished. and overjoyed.

   looking forward to what this next season holds. 

for i will glorify Him with all my might.