[ good? ]

   the goodness of God?

   whatever that means.

   that phrase meant very little to me for the longest time. i mean, why on earth is God good?

   don't get me wrong - i didn't think God was bad or anything. it was more this deeper, underlying sense of legitimately questioning His motives for my life. what were the reasons for having me go through incredibly tough seasons, why did i feel so alone at times, why was it that in the hardest seasons He always seemed to be the furthest away... on and on. thoughts like these plagued my logic and tended to put a rift between the two of us, causing the gap to become larger than it perhaps already was.

   i had little understanding of what it meant to have a God that was faithful. who was true. who was just.

   it was super easy for me to say that "yeah, God is good". more of a cursory glance than an actual belief.

   i mean, you grow up as a christian, these kinds of things just become cliche. and the average comfortable american doesn't necessarily experience a vast amount of discomfort that other people around the world are faced with every single day. so typically, our idea of "good" is fairly safe.

   the past three years of my life have really opened up my eyes to an entirely different perspective. in a lot of ways, really. about God, people, cultures, the way the world works [or doesn't].

   it became easier to see how He was good in other people's lives. it was super easy to say and believe that God was going to do something awesome for someone else, for Him to heal them, to financially provide for them, whatever it was. but when it came to my own life, i didn't really see the connection there.

   i doubted that He had the same regard and interest in me. 

   honestly, for a season, a lot of my prayers went something like this: "thanks for putting up with me."

   like i was some kind of nuisance that He created and then rolled His eyes at every time i did something stupid.

   and this whole scenario wasn't something that played in my everyday life. i wouldn't go around all the time wondering if God was actually good. but it was more of a sly cut that the devil would slip in every time things weren't going so well. he would try to take my attention away from what was actually going on, and redirect it to doubting His intentions.

   clever.

   the devil will try to get attention any way he can, you know? he craves it.

   i have come to the understanding, realization, notion, whatever you want to call it, that our human idea of what is "good" differs a lot in some ways in comparison to God's good.

   His idea of good is allowing trials to be put in front of us in order to develop our character and [hopefully] strengthen the relationship between Him and us.

   our idea of good is ever experiencing any kind of hardship, and staying comfortable wherever we are, never having to step out of our comfort zones and figure out what we're actually made of.

   while the first option sucks and can be incredibly painful -- i have come to appreciate and prefer it over the second. because i would far rather be challenged and continue to grow and step out, than sit around on my comfy tush doing nothing all the time.

   and let me tell you, i have a far better understanding of the goodness of God now.

   His goodness never allows me to go further or fall deeper than i can handle. because He's there every step of the way.

   His goodness pushes me away from my american independence and into reliance and dependence on Him alone.

   His goodness provides for me in ways that i never would have dreamed for myself. the way that He continually prepares me tends to blow my mind a little bit. okay, a lot.

   His goodness is what i can be so freaking joyful and thankful for everyday. regardless if i thought it was a good day, it was still a good day because i'm here, and because of who He is.

   His goodness equips me with what i need - i just have to be the one to step out and actually see it. trust.

   i am so thankful.

   i look back now and see that He has filled in so many blanks that i had in my life. He's fulfilled [and even surpassed, if that's possible] every single promise that He gave me for the seasons passed.

   i have learned to cling to Him even harder, especially when my tendency is to pull away when i'm hurting. and it has paid off because i can now say what i have said.

   His goodness continues to amaze me and stretch my understanding of who He is.

   i am learning not to question what His motives are, why things happen the way they do, but instead have faith in the fact that He deeefinitely knows what He's doing. i just need to relax and know that eventually i'll see the point and reason.

   God is good.

   i can only hope to keep expanding this understanding of who He is.

   and He has restored in me this solid foundation of knowing that i am SO worth it, that He has fantastic things stored up for me that He's just waiting for me to discover. as He does with all His kids. i know how precious i am. i am still learning how precious i am.

   let the adventures continue, my friends.