[ the unglamorous process ]

   look at that goober. just look at her.

   18 and ready to take on the world with all the gumption someone who didn't know what was ahead of her would have the attitude of. fresh outta YWAM and burning with the fire of wanting to change the world, didn't care who stood in the way.

   her hair was shorter. didn't have the side-shave as she does now. headstrong and ready to do what she wanted. independent and sure as heck proud of it. bent on her own ideas and rather less than willing to change that. didn't see the leadership capabilities that she had. reluctant to see the important side of working together with people. many good intentions, but not so much action.

   first day at IABC, i drove up in the car with my uncle and grandma, butterflies doing their usual dance of their people and nonsense of such in my stomach. i met my roommate within the first few minutes, intimidated by the fact that she already knew so many people and was so outgoing. i tend to be a shy one around new people - and now can generally push myself out of that to be outgoing when the occasion arises.

   looking around the room at all the students, i wondered how this was all going to happen. several of the staff/teachers welcomed me. it was all quite overwhelming. 

   who knew that i would be challenged with staying here three years. who knew that i would co-lead a team to athens and force me to step out and up in terms of leadership and stop making excuses for myself. and then later on be a forerunner and leader for a team that went to ghana. that i would take a drama school which challenged me even further in stepping out and being alright with not knowing what to do. that i would be tested in my understanding of what friendship is. 

   and. so. much. more.

   guys, this isn't some glamorous story of an instant change. it's not a cinderella-effect where "bippity boppity BOO" you've got a nice dress and ridiculous glass heels [i never understood why the heck someone would wear freaking glass shoes. i mean. come on.]. 

   it's a story of fight. and struggle. and a ridiculous amount of tears. of feeling lonely - even if i wasn't really. of wanting SO badly to give up, but knowing i'd feel even worse if i did. it's a story of a stinking attitude and not-so-great-qualities that needed some sharpening, hardcore elbow grease, and Jesus-savin' grace. 

   and then, slowly, yet surely - you begin to see the results of the fight paying off. that it was worth it.

   it's life.

   it's a process. 

   it starts with a choice of surrender, and complete surrender. you know, being saved is fantastic. but contrary to what it seems a lot believe, it doesn't just stop with accepting Jesus into your heart. that is only the beginning. it's a covenant for life. one that should change your life forever. if it doesn't, something in the relationship isn't quite right. walking with Jesus and being constantly, consistently led and discipled by Him - it changes you. it should. it is a constant process. sanctification.

   a couple of weeks ago, i was reflecting a bit on these past three years and remembered a blog post i wrote a while ago concerning surrender, that it's all or nothing because this lukewarm crap isn't worth it. 

   a sneaking thought entered my mind.

   "have you really given and surrendered it all? what if you wasted your time here and you could have done more? maybe you're still lukewarm."

   i was nearly ready to actually accept that and consider it when another voice spoke up. 

   "no. don't even go there. that is not the truth."

   God intervened in the middle of the enemy sneakily trying to condemn me. He continued with speaking about surrender - that it is not a one time deal, because the more we continue to grow and step more into our identities and discover His kingdom, the more there is of us to surrender. of course there is always more to give - and there should be, because we are to keep on growing, following Him, listening to His voice and where He guides us.

   it is a process. and of course we have our own ideas about what that should look like as far as timing. we want it now. here. now. 

   and God's perspective on timing is often quite different.

   i can't tell you how thankful i am for these past few years. glamorous? most definitely not. worth it? oh yes indeed.

   so many times, i have been sitting in staff meetings, just looking at the great people that surround me. being able to sit back and simply take in different opinions and experiences from people who have been working in the school for years and learn from their stories. God has shaped and helped me learn and grow in the most unexpected ways this year. in the most practical ways - like wisely deciding how to handle finances in an organization, or handling conflict between staff and students.

   it has been an exponential learning curve in many, many ways. being faced with a new level of responsibility for my own life that comes with needing to be an example as staff. and simply with handling my life in a way that is glorifying to Him. 

   God's plans for us are most unexpected at times. and i truly find that best, as terribly frustrating as it can be.

   but i love being able to so tangibly see how He thought this through in the most detailed, precise ways in terms of preparation. it's exciting. 

   22 and still definitely a goober. 

   but more aware of the one God has created her to be. still headstrong - but stubborn in wanting to do His will, not hers alone. aware of the strong call of being a leader and forerunner. and as a result, regarding preparation as incredibly vital, with Him at her back constantly. 

   matured in unexpected ways. certainly not a finished product in any way. yet knowing there is always more to be challenged with and work through. the process continues - it doesn't stop here. 

   but that's that part i find so exciting. He doesn't just point His finger at issues, expect me to figure it out, and then walk away. He's constantly there, shaping and forming. gently directing in taking steps forward. and i have become so thankful with the faithfulness He has shown and continues to show in this process.

   life is an adventure. and the best adventure is one created with Him at your side. 

   this chapter is soon coming to a close. a fresh one around the corner, waiting to be approached.

   stick around to hear what comes next!