[ "darkness is a harsh term, don't you think? and yet it dominates the things i see." ]

   It's 2am as I begin this.

   I just couldn't fall asleep. And after having some good one-on-one time with God, I decided to punch out some thoughts on the keyboard for a bit. Until sleep decides to come. These thoughts are accompanied by Bon Iver in the background. Perfection. [We'll see how my body feels about that tomorrow morning though.]

   I'm really learning how to apply listening to God's voice and striving hard to give up my right to making decisions on my own. Even with the smallest things. And it struck me earlier today how childish it is, almost, that I want to hold onto that for myself. Like a little kid refusing to give up a toy.

   My new sensitivity to things [sprititually] has taken me by surprise as well. I assumed that I would be more sensitive, having been completely immersed in God for 5 months. But He really stripped away a lot of walls and hardness within that time. We build up walls, you know. We let ourselves become desensitized by all the crap around us -- especially media.

   I love So You Think You Can Dance. By far my favorite t.v. show. There was one routine a week or so ago, however, that really bothered me. And it wasn't even the routine, it was the song behind it. Judas, by Lady Gaga.

   I can't stand Lady Gaga as it is. Never have liked her. She's always bothered me. Her lyrics are trashy, and her performance isn't much better. Which is unfortunate, because when you take that all away [listen to some of her older live performances], she actually has a great voice and talent. And it's also unfortunate that she is such a huge icon, one that so many people, especially girls, follow and look up to.

[ life a.d. ]

   So I love reading. SO much. And since being home, my biggest comfort has been having the time to reeeeaad. I'm now realizing how much I'd missed it.

   Ted Dekker is by far one of the most brilliant writers [in my opinion] and is definitely my favorite. I'm currently in the world of "The Circle" series -- which is phenomenal. The way he's able to spin these mind blowing, outofthisworld stories is just beyond me. Sometimes I'm convinced he's mental, just because of the things he comes up with. But in a good way, of course. haha.

   Right. So. Basically it took me a little while to figure out that the story is a parallel of the Bible. Creation, the fall, Jesus dying, etc.

   There's one part in there that really got me thinking. After the character representing Jesus dies, and His followers in the desert have been running away from enemies for so long, some begin to have issues with their lifestyle, basically questioning whether living that way was what Jesus really wanted for them, and started bringing up other ideas.

   It reminded me of how the churches reacted, and why Paul wrote letters to them, giving them clear/firm correction and instruction. They began to split and come up with different ideas, essentially going their own ways. Or twist things Jesus said or did.

[ post script.. ]

   I just thought of something else. hahaha.

   Mom and I were talking about dance a few days ago. I'd been going back and forth between trying to figure out if I should do the summer dance workshop or not. I was debating whether or not it would be worth it, given my future plans. [No, I'm not telling you.]

   Long story short. We ended up talking about how that would be a good goal for me as far as getting back in shape and working towards something.

   Which I'd been thinking a lot about as well.

   See, in order for me to have motivation and have that drive to work  -- I need a goal. I have to have an end result, something tangible to get in the end. A payoff.

   And then I realized that's the reason why I'm so obsessed with 2 Timothy 4.7-8 -- "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing."

  I mean, if that isn't encouragement and good motivation, then I don't know anything.

  Basically, that was my revelation. And a good one at that, if you ask me.. [:

[ thoughts. ]

   Here are some thoughts and conclusions I've been having lately.

   First, people are growing up. Some of the girls in my youth group that I've grown up in and was helping lead just graduated from high school. Since when were they that old? Those little freshies are no longer freshies -- no, they're freshly graduated and headed out to begin the next part of their journey. That used to be me. That's even harder for me to grasp.

   My photo-editing skills have gotten so much better. Or rather, they've expanded. And it's due to me stalking people on Flickr and seeing their style and then trying things out on my own. I'm really starting to get into a different style. Something, unfortunately, I haven't really actually done much about as of yet. haha. No thanks to the weather.. [Isn't summer supposed to be sunny.. ?]

   This is yet another season of transition for me. Oh joy. It's different and yet similar to the one I went through before leaving for DTS. Both then and now, I felt/feel a sense of not belonging. Which I think I can expect to feel for the rest of my life. When you believe what I believe and lead the life I lead, that's what tends to happen. But trust me, I'm much happier being the outsider. Or that's what you think I am..

[ sleepingatlast ]

Maybe the soul is the tone of voice
That unearthed the words that we needed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlYCg9veXJ4

[ processing -- 1% ]

   I think I'm realizing just how long it's going to take me to process what has happened in the last five months. I can't share everything at once -- because, honestly, I don't even remember everything right now. So stories will randomly come out when remembered.

   But I like random, so maybe that's just my style.. Who knows.

   So just bear with me.

[ grace tickets ]

   Five months.

   Who would have known how fast they went by. Or how much they would have changed me. Who would have known what precious knowledge I would gain, or even more precious -- the stronger relationship with God.

   None but Him alone knew.

   I can't say it was easy. Oh, it was tough. But nor can I say that I regret it. Because I don't. I know that through each and every trial -- while I may not have handled it appropriately -- I grew a little more. And because of that, I learned a little more about laying down my rights. And even more about grace.