[ musings ]

   Empty words and thoughts flit across my mind. Not holding much meaning, not connecting any dots.

   Pointless.

   And thus sums up my past week. It’s been one of those where the pleasures and joys of life have less flavor; the rays of happiness are dulled when they make their way through.

   Oh lordy I sound depressing.
 
   But this happens. Randomly. For what seems no reason. I get sucked into this hole and am not entirely myself for a week or two. I’ve discovered dancing helps quite a bit, as it does with most things anyway.

   Point is, I feel like a horrible person. My heart isn’t in the right frame of mind, so to speak – and, for that matter, neither is my mind.

   And this is where the obvious, cliché reply would be to say “spend more time with God.”

   I know.

   And the worst part is, I think that plays a huge part in the reason this happens. Because it doesn’t happen very often. But when it does, it’s a large recipe made of irritation, shortness, the inability or lack of wanting to be around or put up with people, and the overall downer attitude.

   I sound like an amazing person, I know. Best part is, you don’t know the thoughts that go through my mind sometimes.

   My humanity screams at me when I think of them.

   But the fact is, I know I’m being really hard on myself. And I know I’m not an awful person, and am certainly not the person I’m painting myself to be right now. What I do know is that I need to focus my time and energy on the only One who can pull me out of this and restore me to being fully me again. And I know dancing will play a large part that process.

   I think I just feel blessed right now to know that God isn’t judging me. I think He’s literally stretching His hand out to me and beckoning so we can continue my life journey forward together. I may be taking a brief break right now, but we’re going forward nonetheless.

   Times like these make me miss Heaven even more.

   There are random moments throughout my life where I experience an inexplicable homesickness for a place I’m not at and have never been, a place I don’t fully know. And over the years, I’ve come to realize that I’m homesick for Heaven. No other answer for it.

   I just can’t wait to see who we as humans were truly created to be like. That’s what I’m looking forward to the most. I think. Actually, I really can’t say that, because I have twenty different top things that I’m excited for. So I guess that would be my most recent excitement. You could put it that way.

   And to see history. I want to see history. Specific events, specific people. Like creation. I want to see what it was like when God created everything. I can’t even imagine what that was like. I don’t know if this is something I’m able to see, but shoot, I sure can hope for it.

   It makes me feel better to have gotten these few random thoughts out. Which was my goal. Plus I haven’t written anything for a while, which isn’t good either. Something I need to focus on keeping up as well. I expect this blog writing thing to evolve a little. In what way, I have yet to figure out or decide. So stick around, and you’ll see.

  All this being said, don’t worry about me. This isn’t horrible. I’m not a depressed person, trust me. It’s just a short season of being in a bummer mood.

   And so I just bared my heart and current state of self to all of you. Take care of it.