[ the rock ]

   "oof," i said as i sat down in the sand, the sun at my back, wind carelessly tossing my hair everywhere. 

   it felt good to relax after a run, the ocean licking at my feet occasionally, thoughts able to run where they like -- but at a more relaxed pace. life seems to travel at an increasingly slower rate when you're at the beach. it's no wonder i've always felt at peace whenever i'm at the beach. it's a place of solace.

   i turned my gaze towards the open ocean. a few boats off in the distance moved slowly across the horizon. the sound of the steady waves echoed a lullaby that soothed. people were scarce, so i had the sense of having the entire beach to myself.

   a rock lying in the sand caught my eye. i watched as a wave came and washed over it, taking it a few inches forward, but then getting dragged back when the wave washed back out. this repeated itself.

   in the back of my mind, i heard a voice saying "that's you."

   "oh no," i groaned out loud. i secretly checked to see if anyone was listening so i could freely speak aloud. this topic was hitting a deep point.

   i knew this was the moment when God was going to say something i didn't want to hear, but needed to.

   He went on to say i am that rock, stuck in the same area, getting washed out and taken forward repeatedly. the process of the rock constantly rubbing against the sand causes the rock to be worn down, to be stripped of itself. 

   "yes, you are that rock," He said softly.

   how well i know this. and still i continue to fight it. 

   i'm never happy or content with being where i am. 

   i'm plagued with the determination of getting immediately to the goal, rather than realizing that the place i am now is actually what matters most. the journey is what matters -- not the destination. it's the journey that shapes us in new ways and equips us with things we need once we reach the destination, we don't magically gain everything once we reach that point.

   He continued speaking and had me look more closely at how the rock was rolling against the already existing sand. He said, "the sand is other people around you."

   again i groaned.

   but i knew He was right.

   my dear mentor has told me multiple times that we are not separate bodies, but we're all part of the same body.

   meaning, we need each other. we need to be around other people. we need to work together. 

   "God's in you, and i need the God that's in you. and i need the way that God flows through you to me." - kris vallotton.

   refinement was unconsciously happening because of the exchange between sand and rock. 

   and me, with all my independence, coming from the land of freedom and free-thinking -- i fight against the idea of working with other people. having been the only child in my family and having countless failed group projects where i ended up having to pull all the weight -- let's just say i'm not someone who promotes teamwork.

   but as a result, i have found myself alone and exhausted in the past. and still do.

   as i sat there on the beach, these two things hitting me where it needed to, i knew this wasn't something i could keep running away from. it wasn't going to solve itself.

   God has patiently put up with me, and, fortunately, so have those close to me. they've seen me running in circles, making the same realizations over and over again. for some reason it just hasn't sunk in yet. 

   eventually i will get exhausted enough to finally give in and heed His words.

   or, as i sat there and thought, i could make the decision to start now. 

   there is a reason why i am where i am now. and being anywhere else isn't going to have the same purpose. trying to run ahead will only exhaust me further. relying on people and not having to be the strong one all the time -- now there's something to change. i am notoriously the strong one. 

   unfortunately, this means i don't give myself the grace needed to take it easier and deal with things that need to be dealt with.

   i don't lean on people around me and allow them to help or lend me strength. 

   most of all, i don't depend on Him. i depend on myself. 

   and by now, you would think i would have figured that out. and yet, there i was sitting in the sand knowing i hadn't. 

   knowing that i needed to learn to include people, to be less hard on myself, and to finally be freaking happy with where i am in life. 

   after all, imagine if that rock rolled itself further into the sea. it would just be dragged forward again into the same spot. or if the rock attempted to roll itself further up the hill away from the water. it would simply be exhausting. [not to mention impossible.]

   i turned my face to the sun. "thanks for putting up with me and for your patience," i said. i really don't know how He does it. 

   i sighed and knew that He was right. that i needed to put a different foot forward and make a decision to stop fighting where i am. 

   because i know it will be worth it.

   and above all, i know He has the best for me.