[ this and that ]

to my dear readers.  

   first off : do yourself a favor and click on this video, listen, and enjoy. [unless it will distract you, then wait until afterwards.]

   just as a forewarning, this is a completely random, without-point post. if i may end up with some kind of moral, this is totally out of coincidence. i want to write this as a letter, because it simply makes the most sense right now.

   my mind is too jumbled right now to even form some kind of life-lesson post of such, so this will literally be a little of this and that. just bits of random information and some of tonight's reflections. unrefined, straight from the source.

   as you may have noticed [or not], i have started doing my posts without capitalization. merely a stylization -- i just decided i like the look of it better. and quite honestly.. it's just so much easier to type without punching the shift key allthetime.


   i also realized i have media a.d.d.

   .. meaning, i get tired of my blog headers and other photos quickly and am always coming up with some newer, better version of some sort. so if you notice the photos changing often, it's simply because i have yet to find something that i'll be happy with for more than a couple of weeks. [i do hope this actually happens at some point, as much as i love experimenting with things.]

   i'm hoping and meaning to start uploading more of the photo projects i do for the school on my blog here, so i can begin opening up to a more rounded style of expression, rather than just the writing form. i would love to start combining both visual and word impressions together more often, soooo stick around and hopefully this will begin to show itself.

   also in the writing area, i wish to begin writing more creatively as well. i miss it a lot. back in high school, i took a couple of english writing classes, and all we did were write random stories and short stories and other creative writing styles. i would love to begin that again. just to have more of an all-around audience as well, so not everything is heavy-you-should-learn-from-this-writing-piece stuff. [while this is all very good still. but there's so much more to life than that.]

   as of late, it's become increasingly clear to me that i've lost much of the passion and enthusiasm for things that i once had. and it's incredibly frustrating. especially in the dancing area. for those who know me, for me to have little to no interest in dancing in completely unheard of. so you'll understand better how weird and crappy this is. in a sense, dance is such a huge part of my life, it's kind of like having a faulty limb. might seem like a massive exaggeration, but i assure you, it's not.

   so as a prayer topic, for me to discover a heck of a lot more interest and, ultimately, passion in some areas -- especially dance -- would be awesome. and the fact that i'm asking for prayer [which i neeeeever do, ever ever], tells you just how much i need it.

   it's just lately, i've been realizing more and more that i need more purpose in life. i need a tangible, realistic vision and goals set in front of me that are going to energize and spur me on. because so much of this year, i think, is going to be sharpening the areas i will be using later on. thus, i suppose having some interest in these things would be good, right? yeah i thought so.

   tonight has been a rather reflective, odd night.

   i received some sad news from home earlier. a friend of the family, who was much like a grandpa to me in a lot of ways, died this morning. death is never one of those things you expect. [excusing some circumstances..] but it really caught me off guard.

   and it made me realize just how much he meant to me. how much of an impact he actually made on my life.

   he had this heart that was just so BIG and i always felt so loved being around him and his wife. he had these stories he would always tell when i was over. they were usually always the same stories, but i loved hearing them over and over again -- no matter how many times i'd heard them before. it was always like i'd heard them for the first time. they usually had some kind of little moral or funny joke that had a bit of a lesson or meaning in them.

   it just really struck me that everyone you meet has an impact on you in some way. really. it doesn't matter if you're merely giving a smile and moving on your way, or if you're sisters or best friends, or whatever.

    we all have an impact on the people around us. the environment around us.

   to an extent, it bothers me that so often we realize these things about people after it's too late -- but at the same time, i refuse to see it this way. i would rather celebrate him.

   he was an incredible man, someone who taught me a lot. from how to feed an alpaca, to how to tell if a fence wire was live, to chess moves -- he always had some new wisdom to share. and i soaked it all in.

   he was the kind of person who took the time to invest in people.

   i hope to be that kind of person someday. someone who has just experienced so much and takes the time to invest their knowledge into those younger around them willing to listen. to pass on the inheritance, so to speak, and ensure that they manage to learn from your mistakes.

   it's all very raw, this. and like i said, it's all just coming out without being drafted, redrafted. blah blah.

   so, dear readers. i hope this wasn't a downer.

   this is merely what's going on in the mind and heart of kayla lately. in it's [almost] purest form. eh, mostly.

   there are some drafts sitting around, waiting to be taken care of and finished, so be sure to visit and stay updated.

   wishing everyone the best.

   - me.