[ what you think is going to happen.. ]

   I've come to the conclusion that I'm pretty stubborn.

   And those of you who know me pretty well can just roll your eyes riiiiiight now. I'm sure this isn't a shocker for you.

   Unfortunately, there are things in our lives that we don't know we don't know, and then we know we don't know, and then we know what we didn't know. And so I've finally arrived at the point where I know, and feel a little sheepish.

   Let me tell you a little story that happens to be non-fiction and comes directly from my life these last couple of months.


   Stretch your mind back to the beginning of the school year, around October/November. I had reached the point where I was considering staying a second year here at the school. Doing what, who knows. It was a possibility.

   Jump forward about a month or two, and I had completely flopped the other way around. I refused the idea of staying another year. It held absolutely no interest for me, probably because I was getting bored and I wasn't challenging myself and la dee da.

   So I had made up my mind, you know?

   I had this plan of spending the following year with my dear friend and sister, and I was pretty excited about that.

   .. well.

   I find that a lot of my own ideas for my life aren't usually the most beneficial. I think there are some areas here at the school that I've been running away from improving on. For example, I've become rather antisocial this year. And I'm still being challenged with stepping out and dancing during worship.

   Anyway. Now enter two people that began prodding me and causing me to reconsider. Which is a nice way to put it, because in reality, I was freaking out.

   I had gotten very comfortable with the idea of leaving next year and doing my own thing, so having your mentor and another teacher challenge you with the idea of staying next year basically threw me off.

   I kid you not, I went through a couple of weeks of a total identity crises. It's sounds so melodramatic. But honestly, I was so confused.

   During one of the theme weeks, I encountered a very honest self-examination. My entire life has been full of circles. Although I've grown up in a Christian household, I've come and gone away from God a lot, having "revivals" in my faith, and then walking away again, making stupid mistakes, and then coming back to Him.

   It's ridiculous. And I saw myself not really changing certain things that much, which frustrated me beyond reason. So I spent a good couple of weeks fighting. Fighting against what, deep down, I knew I had to do and what He wanted me to do. Ignoring Him because I didn't want to hear what I knew He was going to say.

   It was quite the process, I'm tellin' ya. And I'm blessed to have had such close friends, an amazing mentor, and great teacher at my side to help me through this.

   But I came to the realization I'd put up boundaries that needed to come down. I was telling God what I thought I should do, instead of giving up control. I looooove having control and doing things my way. Aka, I'm quite stubborn.

   The last two months have been a very honest time for me. Both with myself and with other people speaking into my life. It's been a good process, even though it's been difficult. I've gotten too relaxed this year and settled into doing very little.

   That being said, and I could keep going on and on about all this, I will not be coming home this summer.

   In fact, I will be here next year as well.

   I'm still fighting it. Why, I don't know. Maybe it's pride. It was a tough choice having to stay here this summer, because I miss some people very much. And I actually began missing Portland as well. Surprise.

   I will be challenged a lot more, will have more responsibility in different areas to start training me more as a leader. I will be doing the drama school instead, which I am very excited about. It will stretch me in different areas of movement, and overall improve and round my dancing, which is always a plus. I will be working in something called the Link Team, which is like student-staff. It'll be a small group of us students from this year that make the connection between guest speakers, students, and teachers. We'll be setting up social events here at the school and make sure things run smoothly and take care of guest speakers when they come. I'll probably start up and be involved with different projects around my area of expertise with dancing, writing, and photography. [ Somehow coming up with a combination of these. ]

   I don't regret this year. But I do know there is a lot that I became too relaxed with and stepped back from. So I expect great things for next year.

   Other than that, this summer I will be hopefully getting a job, because I have no funds for next year at all. So I'm definitely praying for coverage over that. But really, I know I'm supposed to be here, so I'm definitely not stressing about the money at all.

   Everything will work out. He's got my back.

   So there's my story. I'm excited about next year and bummed I won't be coming home this summer, but it's for the best, ultimately.

   Feel free to ask questions or write me if you want to know more!