[ submitting to leadership ]

   "Ugh, no don't make me do this."

   Pleading with God doesn't usually end up in your favor. In the end, I always have to give in because I know, deep down somewhere, that He's always right.

   .. plus there's no way to avoid it when the realization that "Hey! You were wrong all along" smacks you in the face.

   Let's go back some weeks to Kona.

   Everything was "happy clappy", and our team was getting along fairly well. There were some leadership adjustments and shifts, which created some rocky points -- but overall, everything seemed well.

   Great. Swell.


   Well then let's move ahead to Makapala, a retreat center/base in the northern part of the Big Island. Long story short, nearly our entire DTS's passports were lost/stolen somewhere in the mail world. So many of the teams were around the base for nearly a month or more.

   So, in other words, we had lots of time as a team together. During this time, things began to arise within the team, and in me as well.

   And I slowly began drifting away from my team.

  To the point where I considered mutiny and wanted so badly to join another team that had already left for Macau. My attitude when approaching the group with this new idea was one of defiance. I was so done with having to deal with the issues in the group.

   And the ones I felt arising in myself.

   It takes a lot of determination and perseverance to push ahead through the many problems that can arise between people in a team. Unfortunately at this time I was not interested.

   My attitude grew increasingly unpleasant.

   Major kudos to those on my team for putting up with me, really. They treated me to the best birthday I could have asked for, and I'm not sure if I ever really said thank you for that.

    So thank you, to those who will read this. It meant a lot to me, even if it wasn't shown.

   Over the weeks spent in Makapala, we had some pretty serious conversations and debates over the ultimate goal of the group and where we were headed together. And about me wanting to leave the group.

   Ohhhh man I can't tell you how many times I would leave a meeting just wanting to scream. I felt like I wasn't being heard and what "God was telling me" wasn't being heard and blah blah blah. I know now that's total crap.

   It was more of me listening to what I wanted to do, and then blocking God and everyone else out that didn't agree with that.

   Right, which is exactly what God was trying to tell me, but I didn't want to hear it.

   So there I am, lying in my bed in Xiamen, China. God is gently prompting me to reflect on my actions and the way I'd been treating people -- specifically a couple of people.

   And suddenly I realized that I'd returned to my "old self", so to speak. I'd completely turned away from what God had been showing and creating in me, and had gone back to the typical attitude that I would have reacted with in the past.

   Dang.

   Talk about humbling.

   "Alright God. I'll come to the group about it and ask for forgiveness at the next meeting, but You have to give me the prompting when the time is right."

   The next morning, our team gets together and does the usual prayer and catching up with everyone. At a lull in the conversation, I hesitate and miss the opportunity.

   A growing feeling of nausea begins working away in my stomach.

   At the next break in the conversation, I instantly feel like I'm going to throw up, and I fling my arm up in the air and say "I have something to say." The feeling of nausea goes away.

   Hint hint, from God.

   My group graciously and lovingly accepted my apology. And let me tell you, from that day on, there was a feeling of freedom in me. There had been so much weighing down in me from not being right with them. And with God.

   Because when we submit to the leadership that's put around us, we're submitting to God as well. Respecting.

   So all this to say that I learned a really big lesson about submitting to leadership -- even when you don't think they're right. Because, in the end, I did submit to them in following the team. I'm so thankful for this because I know it was where I needed to be.

   I've heard a phrase a lot in the last few months, something like "You can't change what happens to you, but you can change how it effects you." In my situation, there were several ways that I could have handled it. And, sure, I definitely didn't handle it the best way possible.

   But then I wouldn't have learned what I did and felt the value in that.

   I appreciate so much that I had people around me that let me go through what I needed to in order to get to that stage, who let me have a bad attitude, and let God do the working instead.

   Months afterwards now, I can look back and see just how difficult it was and must have been to deal with all the conflicting personalities and attitudes. The different agendas and values. And everything else in between.

   Leadership is a heck of a lot of responsibility. People look at you, they judge you, they pick apart things about you. It's easy for them to sit in their places of perspective and say all kinds of things and draw whatever conclusions they want to come to.

   But in the end, you answer to God for your decisions and follow His leading instead.

   I'm up for the challenge.

   .. How about you?